Locker Rooms:Disgusting, Rude and Vain-Part 3

It's here. The final installment on the locker room chat. And, I can honestly tell you that it's a lot more...'clean'...than the previous two topics.

A scene from Steel Magnolias comes to mind with this one. The scene where Olympia Dukakis buys a football team and is hanging out in the locker room with Shirley MacLaine's character. There are many naked butts and bodies floating around the locker room without a care in the world. And why should there be???? They are muscular, in shape, athletes. Eye candy for the masses.

Well, out in the world of real people, for those without personal trainers or a regimented workout schedule, the locker rooms are filled with a plethora of body types. And in a way it is a small comfort to the general masses.

You can also go through a barrage of self esteem issues if your not careful. If you look one way you can feel thankful that your body is in better shape than the lady at the locker two doors down but in the same instance be jealous because the lady two doors down in the other direction is much tighter than you. And where you hate to stare, you really can't draw your attention away from her breasts to figure out if they are real or fake.

Okay, most of the times they are fake because those suckers don't move no matter which direction those ladies bend. Then you just find yourself staring for the pure physics of gravity. It's like being in science class all over again.

And the thing that astonishes me is how some of the older women with the body of a twenty year old walk around the locker room with the sourest expression painted on their faces. Really...if I looked that hot I would have a smile plastered on my face from ear to ear...constantly! Just goes to show that some people aren't happy no matter what their physical state is.

Honestly, some of the older women with the rock'in bodies do give their age away in the face. It's why I now understand the allure of Botox and the occasional nip/tuck that some women get. No use looking like someone cut your head off in a picture and placed it on someone elses body.

On the other side of the "I look fabulous" coin are the women I see in the locker room who have a difficult time pulling themselves away from their own reflections.

One day, as I was getting dressed and drying my hair, etc. I watched a woman admire herself after each piece of clothing went on. Put on sock...admire self in mirror...put on other sock...admire self in mirror...underwear...admire...bra...admire...leggings...admire. Okay, you get it. She made sure she took in her backside, profile and front multiple times. I started to wonder if she was ever going to leave the locker room. Then got pissed off with myself because I was loitering just to see how long she could do this.

Vanity is a fascinating topic. I'd never make it to over half the places I want to see and experience if I led my life this way. Most of the day would be spent in self admiration and the remainder would probably be spent wondering what everyone else thought of me as was this woman's lot in life. Sad.

I think if ever there was a topic for a psychological profiling of people, the gym locker room is an untapped resource for years of study.

So be careful in the locker room. You never know who's watching.

Locker Rooms:Disgusting, Rude and Vain-Part 2

I think since a couple of days have past that it is now time for the second installment of my locker room experiences. Don't worry. There are only three posts on this topic then I promise to move forward onto happier...flowery-er pastures.

So, we've covered the loogie hocker. Which was the disgusting and rude side of my experience. Now, moving on to the just plain disgusting.

Let me start by saying that in my own personal experience I have found that a true friend will tell you about the most embarrassing of developments with your physicality. Bat in the cave (aka:booger), food in the teeth, eye boogie, lipstick on the teeth, smudged makeup, and sometimes the fact that your butt crack is hanging out the back of your pants. And where it may be slightly embarrassing at the time, we are all grateful for the intel so we don't run around all day like a goofoon.

So, one day in the locker room a woman in her late 40's (totally just a guesstimate here) was changing into her gym clothes. She was flanked on either side by a couple of workout buddies and was turning to address each one as to what the days workout routine would be. So these two women were seeing her front to back and vice versa.

Well, when she turned so her back was to me I received the misfortune of seeing what can only be described as a 'female skid mark' up her back above her underwear. Just like with the 'loogie lady', I felt the uncontrollable gag reflex take hold.

I had to wonder what kind of friends she had that wouldn't inform her of her little problem there. I mean wouldn't she reek a little bit. I was just thankful I was done with my workout, showered and getting the hell out of Dodge.

And the sad thing is that these situations are like car accidents. You don't want to add insult to injury by rubber-necking but, it's just hard to believe what your seeing. Then the stupid thoughts come into play. Was she in a hurry? Was she on one of those diet aids known to cause 'explosions' so to speak? Who knows?

I just think it was purely sad that the people she was with didn't say anything. And No, I didn't say anything either. But she didn't know me and I figured that would be doubly embarrassing. Besides, I hoped she was going to be taking a shower before leaving the gym.

The world will never know. Unfortunately, I do. And if too many more of these instances happen I fear that my retinas will burn right out of my eye sockets.

So remember, tell your friends when something is stuck, tangling or hanging out where it shouldn't. You will totally go up a few notches on the true friend radar.

Locker Rooms:Disgusting, Rude and Vain-Part 1

Now, you may think I am referring to the images we have all seen in sports films or news coverage from a sporting event or post game locker room commentary on ESPN.

But alas...No.

I am referring to the shocking behaviors I have witnessed in what should have been the calm and serene safety of the Women's Locker Room.

Yes, you heard me right. The WOMEN's locker room.

You tend to think of ladies as being polite, demure, clean. Well, I have witnessed enough sights and unfortunately, sounds, to put the men's locker room to shame.

It is all too much to write about in one blog so I present you with this, Part 1.

Let's begin on a lovely Friday afternoon. The birds were singing, the air was crisp and I had just finished a relaxing Pilate's class. I was feeling euphoric.

So, I casually walked into the locker room and started to pull my things from my locker. Then, I heard it. A sound that transcended all sounds. Not a fart. Not a belch. But, the sound of a 300 pound man hocking a loogie.

The problem is that it didn't come from a 300 pound man but, a small demure maybe 130 pound woman in her 50's.

Terrifying doesn't begin to describe how this affected me. At first it was sheer shock that sent my mind swimming. Did women really do this? Images of surly men walking down the street coughing up that disgusting ball of phlegm before spewing it out onto the sidewalk or out a car window came to mind.

At least with men they cough, spit and move on. This woman in the locker room didn't seem to have an off switch. The more times she did it the more I had to fight the urge to gag. And worse...throw up on the spot.

Then, to add insult to injury. This woman spit into her hand. Not a tissue, not a towel, toilet, sidewalk or out a car, but her bare hand.

I quickly grabbed my ipod, slammed the ear buds in and pressed play to drown out the vile sounds that made me want to retch. And where Pink's Bad Influence filled my ears to curb the hacking phlegm bombs this lady (and I now use this term loosely) was expelling, it couldn't cut the sight of her rubbing her own loogie in and on her hands.

I kid you not. I would never have imagined in a million years that this would be something I would bare witness to. Most certainly not by a fellow X-chromosome.

I got dressed as quickly as I could and high tailed it out of there. Since then I have made sure not to linger around when I see this same woman in or even around the locker room. Luckily, I only run into her once a week but she's there most mornings. I can see her working out as I pass the windows at the gym after getting my morning tea.

I feel a pang of pity for my fellow endorphin junkies as they shower and try to start their day after having to listen to the loogie Olympics as I now refer to this woman's antics.

Part 2 will soon follow being that I only have one stomach to lose per story. The next one is another tale to test the gag reflex.

Makes you think twice about the lady like qualities that should separate the women from the men. But I am getting a hard dose of locker room reality on a steady basis.

Time to Get Busy!

This post is purely an apology for lagging so behind in the month of March.

I seriously thought I had started a few posts and could sneak them in at the beginning f the month with a March date.

Unfortunately, I wasn't that smart and completely dropped the ball on the third month of the year. Soooo sorry if anyone is actually reading this blog and feel as if I flaked. I guess I did. So now I will try and make amends in April by offering seven posts to get caught up.

A big feat in and of itself being that it is currently April 17th. But I will not let you down. I have a few fantastic topics to go on from the west coast region as well as some great ones from my recent trip back east. Which is always a good source of entertaining fodder.

We all have moments where time slips by and we have to exclaim...WTF! But with a valiant effort to get caught up, anything is possible. Like seven Blog Spots. This will be my goal for the next couple of weeks.

That and trying to pull my life into some kind of organized chaos to accomplish many things at once. Mainly, getting myself organized and on a more dynamic routine than where I have been. Both for myself personally as well as professionally.

I'll keep you posted.

Arise and conquer...arise and conquer.